“Welcome to the People Smuggler Hotline, how can I help you today?”

“Hi, I’m wishing to leave my country and emigrate to a more wealthy country.”

“We certainly can help you with that! Where were you thinking of travelling to?”

“I’m after the country with the best asylum seeker deals.”

“You’ve called at the exact right time. I can tell you that today’s special asylum seeker deal is Australia!”

“Australia, fantastic! What do I need to do?”

“Before we go on I have to advise that this call is being monitored for training and quality purposes. Is that okay?”

“Sure, no problems.”

“I’ll first take you through your itinerary, advise you of our terms, conditions and requirements after which you can book an all expenses paid trip to Australia.”

“Okay.”

“While you might have been told that you will be chauffeur driven under escort from your country of origin, you will have to escape on your own, without passport, visa or identity papers.”

“Okay. Ummm this isn’t sounding too good.”

“While you might have been told that you will then be booked all expenses paid in a luxury hotel, before a transfer to Australia, you will in fact be living hand to mouth in a overcrowded refugee camp.”

“Not sure about that bit, but it must get better.”

“While you might have been told that you will be booked on a luxury liner, you will then be booked on a overcrowded, unseaworthy boat with an inexperienced crew and be cast out upon the ocean.”

“Of course, I would want to do that. Yeah right!”

“Our terms and conditions are all care and no responsibility. If your boat is turned back and you drown at sea, you drown.” 

“Hang on a second, this isn’t turning out to be anything like the anti-asylum seeker people told me!”

“But wait there’s more. If you’re captured and put in a camp and then sent back, bad luck!”

“Whaaat?”

“Finally, you will have to give us all of your life savings.”

“What do think I am? Desperate?”

Related articles

• Turning Back The Boats Is IMPOSSIBLE (9 Reasons Why) (andrewwhalan.com)
• Behaviour protocols part of asylum policy: Morrison (abc.net.au)