Sex and Vacuuming : A Game of Mutual Selfishness

Kathy Lette’s If Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Then Try Doing the Vacuumming article echoes the Annabel Crabb‘s The Wife Drought re having it all and needing a wife.

Like the old expression, “Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage“, there isn’t much of that anymore.

Yes, unfortunately, I’ve heard this all before.

In the throes of a disintegrating marriage, I turned to reading books many of which made the same recommendations.

The prescribed panacea was that if a man did more housework or spent less time with his mates, marital bliss awaits.

In truth I did step up and I fervently believe that men should (see Having It All). But there’s no guarantee of reciprocation. Not that reciprocation was my motivation.

Unfortunately, the opposite argument is of course is that the woman should do more. As set out by Laura Doyle in her book the Surrendered Wife where women need to step up so the man can step down. Again there’s the implicit guarantee of reciprocation.

These viewpoints seem to treat marriage as some sort of reality show (Wife Swap perhaps?). Marriage is seen as a game where you amass points for doing the right thing, are penalised for doing the wrong thing and receive or forgo prizes. Marriage in this light seen as territorial and transactional with winners and losers.

My real problem with all of this is that both viewpoints are both motivated by the guarantee or expectation of reciprocation. If I do this, I get that and if you do this, you get that.

What that creates is a relationship based on mutual selfishness. Both partners keep score and amass points and expect to be rewarded. The problems occur over keeping track of the points, rewards, penalties and prizes. From my personal experience after arguing over that there’s little energy left for vacuuming or sex.

Nor does it foster much love. Nor create an environment that fosters compassion and generosity.

So what’s left from this? My dull insight is this. Perhaps we could try an unselfish love for oneself and for others for a change? Perhaps we could create an environment of compassion and generosity?



What a Training Evaluation Should Be

A friend asked me to put together an evaluation of a course. Here’s what I should have done:

Trainer Evaluation Form

Please rate your trainer’s performance using the following criteria.

Tone of Voice Soft Droning Really Really Enthusiastic
Sense of Humour Droll Funny Hilarious Good ROFL
Movement Stand Sit Walk Pace March
Body Language None

Tai Chi

Dress Sense BackPacker Smart Casual Evening Suit
Eye Contact None Back Ceiling Furtive Staring
Trainee Interaction None One Trainee Only Anyone Single?
Favourite Expression

There’s always one!

That’s Nobody’s Balloon


balloons (Photo credit: shellipsm)

It happened the other day. I’m shopping and I am filling my basket with fruit and vegetables.

I finish, go to the counter and am served. Then I bend down to pick up my basket.
There is a balloon attached to a stick in my basket! And there is no child nearby to take it back! This could be my lucky day!
But it was not to be. To my right is an empty pram, two children and two balloons. They may have one too many. Or a child is missing looking for the balloon. Or perhaps it belongs to the parent.
By now I’m holding a balloon while the shop assistant is sorting, weighing, pricing and packing my groceries. And she’s amused. She would like an explanation. I don’t have one. Well not an adult one anyway.
As I said to her if I had stolen the balloon I would have been asked for it back. But I wasn’t. So I stole back quietly and stuck it on the pram. Somewhere out there a happy parent is enjoying his or her balloon!! And yes I would have accepted it if it was given! It’s still fun to be an adult you know!

We Cannot Live Together Any More (To My Burglar)

I was burgled this week. After some thought, I’ve decided that the burglar and I cannot live together any more no way never ever.

Small change was borrowed and not returned. We haven’t been able to talk about this yet.

And a can opener and some men’s toiletries have disappeared. And I’m sensing a growing distance between us sadly.

Food also was taken from the pantry. I’m not sure if you will pay this back or buy me equivalent food. I’m still waiting on your word.

Some speakers and a cordless phone have been disappeared. Perhaps you’ve turned this into funds for as yet unspecified debts. But we’re not talking about this at all.

And I think that’s it I’m afraid.

If you do decide to come back, here are some suggestions.

If you do borrow things from me and not return them, do make sure that somebody else apart from you benefits. I can live with that actually.

Oh and about the food, I have vegetable seeds. Take them, plant them, grow them, keep some and give the surplus to the needy.

My Funny Valentines Day

Yesterday at work the conversation turned to Valentine’s Day. And I discovered all my workmates are attached and  all planning something special for Valentine’s Day.  Which to all you lovers out there is wonderful!

my funny valentine

But I wonder if anyone had a Valentine’s Day quite like mine. It did start well. Breakfast (High Tea actually) at a New Farm restaurant with my partner. A brilliant way to start the day.

The reason for the breakfast was that she wouldn’t be spending Valentine’s Day with me. She was busy arranging an evening meeting for a support group. Why they chose Valentine’s Day remains a mystery to me. But next time they will choose much more wisely.

Evening came and I dropped her off at the venue. Then I drove home. But I didn’t make it. I received a IT support call. So I stopped the car and took the call.

It was my partner wanting me to return. The group were having problems connecting a laptop for a presentation. Hey it’s Valentine’s Day! I turned the car around, found the venue, found her and helped. In truth, I hit two buttons at once after my partner had solved it herself. I told her that she was today’s lucky prize winner. And she felt like that for a while.

So I left her to it and went home. I then got another phone call. This time the new venue basically wasn’t working for this group at all. They were upping and leaving for the old venue. Can I return in case my assistance was needed?

Children's Valentine, 1940–1950

Children’s Valentine, 1940–1950 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I returned and she was waiting out the front of the old venue. And she wasn’t too happy. This time I was helpful. She told me the three or four extra things that had gone wrong. I said to her than it is now unbelievable/ridiculous (pick one) and the only course left was to laugh! And she did.

After that all went well. Well apart from the meeting running over time. And none of the participants wanting to leave. And you thought there was no romance on Valentine’s Day!  And a Happy Valentine’s Day was had by all!